Pouring over the details contained in a recently released Texas Sheriff's Department incident report, conspiracy theorists around the globe concluded that Italian wine and spirits were not a factor in the February 13th death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia at John Poindexter's Cibolo Creek Ranch in Texas.
Ammon Bundy, recent co-leader of the occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge and general nut-case, came to this conclusion after his review of the incident report and consultation with Rear Adm. Brian P. Monahan, attending physician for members of Congress and the Supreme Court.
"While not entirely ruling out any other funny-business related to the International Order of St. Hubertus, it seems that coronary artery disease, obesity, diabetes, a heart like the Grinch's that was two sizes too small, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, smoking, toenail fungus and other ailments, may possibly have led to Justice Scalia's untimely death." Bundy said in a statement to The Italian Cellar.
"We can conclusively state that the Justice's pre-dinner Boulevardier (a Texas-style Negroni variant where gin is swapped out for Bourbon), the Bucci "Villa Bucci" Riserva Verdicchio that was served with the grilled scallop first course and the Alois Lageder "Krafuss" Pinot Nero that was served with the roast pheasant main course, cannot be attributed to his death." said Bundy.
"I honestly feel that Scalia's after-dinner digestif of an Amaro Nonino "Quintessentia" (on the rocks with an orange twist) may have actually prolonged the Justice's life long enough for him to get into bed where he died peacefully."
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